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In praise of ... Geneva
 Thought you might like to see article published this week in the Sunday Telegraph travel section on Geneva - setting for my latest international bestseller (hey, modesty never sells...) The Geveva Deception. Actually what follows is the original unedited version as they took out all the gags - presumably because of a lack of space rather than because they weren't funny...
Geneva, Switzerland: My Kind of Town
The novelist James Twining offers a guide to the best sights, bars, hotels and restaurants in the Swiss city of Geneva.
Harry Lime was wrong. While the warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed of the Borgias may well have produced the Renaissance, Geneva is proof that 500 years of democracy and peace in Switzerland have led to far more than the invention of the cuckoo clock. Hotbed of Protestant dissent, witness to Byron’s seduction of Mary Shelley, crucible of the luxury watchmaking industry, and now the international home of the UN, WTO, multinational companies and tax exiles alike, Geneva's riches are lying waiting to be discovered.
What do you miss most when you're away?
Mont Blanc in the distance. Boats skating across Lake Geneva's glass mirror, sails snapping in the wind. The clean air and sense of calm. Cheese fondue. Chocolate.
What's the first thing you do when you return?
Wander through the cobbled Old Town ("La Vieille Ville") with old friend and local insider George Hammon, admiring the unspoilt medieval architecture and debating where to have dinner.
Where's the best place to stay?
The recently renovated Mandarin Oriental Hôtel du Rhône (0041 22 909 0001; www.mandarinoriental.com; two-day "festive break" from £145 per night), which blends the qualities of a traditional deluxe hotel with a very modern interior. At the other end of the spectrum, the Hôtel St-Gervais (732 4572; www.stgervais-geneva.ch) is a well-located budget option with double rooms from £68 per night.
Where would you meet friends for a drink?
In winter, the Parc des Bastions, where you can have a game of life-size chess before a warming glass of vin chaud. In summer, the Place du Bourg de Four, the oldest square in the Old Town. Have a beer and soak up the sunshine in one of the bars and cafés that surround the 18th-century flowered fountain.
Where are your favourite places for lunch?
The bistro Les Papilles de Lavinia (rue de Coutance 3; 732 2222) in Geneva's best wine shop, Lavinia. Enjoy Lyonnais food with one of the 40,000 bottles on display to wash it down. Amazing food, great wine, and brave attempts at British humour from the manager, Stéphane.
And for dinner?
Café Papon (rue Henri-Fazy 1; 311 5428). Vaulted ceilings and a terrace stretching out onto the medieval fortifications of the Old Town. Classic French cuisine with a twist, with main courses from £18. At the Mandarin you have the gourmet Indian restaurant Rasoi, by Michelin-starred Vineet Bhatia, with tasting menus from £45. And Les Antiquaires (Grand-Rue 35; 311 2416) is a no-nonsense fondue restaurant serving the finest moitié-moitié (half Gruyère, half Vacherin cheese) in Geneva (and possibly the world!) for £14.
Where would you send a first-time visitor?
The Martin Bodmer museum (route de Guignard 19, Coligny; www.fondationbodmer.org; adults £8) is a breathtaking collection of literary treasures ranging from second-century New Testament papyri, and Egyptian Book of the Dead to a Gutenberg Bible and a Shakespeare first folio. It embodies the essence of Geneva – a wonderful place but so well hidden that even many locals have never heard about it.
What would you tell them to avoid?
The area around Cornavin train station, a hideous example of Soviet-style Fifties town planning that has you reaching for a block of semtex and a detonator.
Public transport or taxi?
You can easily walk around the centre of Geneva – it's tiny. But for the full experience be sure to take a mouette (a river shuttle) across the lake and, of course, hop on a tram. Taxis are prohibitively expensive and are best avoided unless you want to be mistaken for a Swiss banker.
Handbag or moneybelt?
Manbag - dare to be continental!
What should I take home?
Empty your bags and load up with Swiss chocolate. Try Rohr (rue d'Enfer 4; 311 6876) or Auer (rue de Rive 4; 311 4286), two family-owned traditional chocolate-makers who have mastered and perfected the art of chocolate-making over five generations.
James Twining's latest thriller, 'The Geneva Deception' (HarperCollins, £6.99), is set in Geneva.
He said. She said.
 Having posted a few weeks ago about the increasing importance of the web as a source of critical opinion and reviews for commercial fiction, I found myself recently assailed by its evil twin - the unsolicited psycho email.
It actually started, as these things often do, innocuously enough, when this popped into my inbox:
"Double Eagle. Page 170 (paperback). \"Disorientated\". Not a word. You need a proof reader? I'd be great."
No hello. No goodbye. Staccato syntax. A hint of arrogance, perhaps, towards the end? But then people are busy, and frankly I'm always happy to get feedback, good and bad. So I responded:
Really? But people say it all the time - doesn't that make it a word, even if the dictionary hasn't caught up!
You tell me - is there anything in the least bit offensive or rude in that? No, that's what I thought too. But my electronic interlocutor had found reason to take offence, it seemed:
You will find "ain't" in the dictionary. Doesn't make it a word. Just gives people too lazy to use the correct word(s) an excuse to continue sounding stupid to people who know better.
Okaaaay then. Someone's not been taking their medication. Nurse? Nurse?
Now again I'll ask you - did anything I say warrant that sort of response? She (yes it was a she - let's call her Julianne Connors … because that's her name) is actually implying, is she not, that I'm both lazy and stupid? Hell she's not implying it, she's saying it. My wife would probably agree about the former, and I'll leave judging the latter to you, but even so talk about raising the stakes - I toss a tennis ball over the net and she fires back a bloody Scud missile. Not too mention that she is also implying that she is a better judge of what is a word than the dictionary ...
Fine. If that's how you want to play it missy, it's on. It's on like Donkey Kong. The way I see it you have two choices in these situations. You either bite your tongue and let people get away with their crass rudeness. Or you say - "Take that, crazy psycho email bitch – hiya!” (imagine Miss Piggy karate chop). So I simply replied:
OK - in other words I am lazy and sound stupid and you know better
You're clearly as rude as you are pedantic
Have a nice life
j
PS I don't think I will take you up on your offer of being my proof reader
The "have a nice life" line was perhaps a bit sharp (I'd been dying to use it since someone used it on me a few years ago), but turning her down as my proof reader was a moment of utter genius, if I say so myself. Even so, she wasn't about to roll-over yet. A few weeks later (she'd clearly been carefully honing her response!), she came back with this:
Subject: So, so, sorry (who says Americans don't understand irony?)
Mister Twining (finally a greeting - things looking up, perhaps?)
I must say I am a little suprised you took the time out of your busy schedule to respond to, what must have been, a significant hit to your considerable ego. I do hope your attention to my e-mails is not an indication of your fan base.
You mistook my meaning, I fear. It seems to me if a person is willing to undertake all things involved in creating literature, to attatch their name to a work of fiction they hope to be recognized and praised for, one would do all that is possible to insure accuracy and quality.
I merely wanted to draw your attention to the fact that you used a word that is, in fact, NOT A WORD.
Writing a novel is a huge undertaking and I understand that constructive criticism can feel like attack. Take it as you will - I'll not lose any sleep over it. Nor will I be reading anything more from James Twining. Turns out, the students in my English Lit. classes have lost interest in your work as well.
Thank you so much for your well-wishing. Much the same to you.
Let's just be clear on one thing Julianne - I took time out of my "busy schedule" because I figure part of the job of being a writer is to talk to your readers, and that if someone has taken the time to write to you, you owe them the courtesy of writing back. And for the record I get emails all the time, all of them better written and more civil than yours, even the ones inviting me to accept a transfer of $3 million in stolen Nigerian oil money. So no need to feel special on my account.
If all you had really wanted was to draw my attention to a word not being a word, why go nuclear when someone asks, what is I think quite a reasonable (and dare I say interesting) question about whether language is dictated by a text book or current usage?
And in case you were unsure, calling someone stupid is not constructive criticism, which I welcome. It's just plain rude.
You got one thing right though - emailing you back would give you the wrong impression about the importance I attach to you or what you have said. Far better to lay your bitterness out here for all to see and enjoy. The Internet. Love it.
P.S. Julianne, despite your keenness to correct my vocabulary and desire to be my proof-reader you misspelled both “suprised” and "attatch" above and when you say "insure accuracy and quality" and think you probably meant "ensure" unless you wanted to take out a policy on something. I see that scarily enough you teach English Lit classes. Give yourself an F.
Blood from a stone
 Ever wondered where the expression "like getting blood from a stone" comes from? It does not, as some of you may believe, come from Giovanni Torriano's Second Alphabet (1662) but rather was an expression popularised in the early part of the twenty first century to describe the near impossibility of getting a book reviewed unless you are:
a) a first time writer
b) a celebrity or in some way related to a celebrity (butler, gardner, brother etc.)
c) afflicted by some (preferably terminal) disease or physical defect
I am, happily, none of these. And as a consequence am suffering the slings and arrows of editorial whim. It's a shame, as I know lots of reviewers have enjoyed and would like to review The Geneva Deception, but are finding it hard to get the space. Still, all is not lost. The internet, which is fast replacing the mainstream media's book pages (increasingly the exclusive preserve of revisionist (again) second world war histories, 900 page biographies of Henry VIII's third torch bearer etc.) as where real book people go if they want to learn about books that actually sell - bitter, moi? - is stepping into the breach. Exhibit 1 for the defence is below from Books Monthly and I'll share anything else that comes my way - including 4 stars from Closer, I hear!
The Mafia, a secret society and the world's greatest treasures all converge in James Twining's all new jaw--dropping thriller featuring reformed art thief Tom Kirk. It begins with a young man hanging from the Ponte Sant' Angelo Rome, his pockets weighed down with lead whilst the current of the river below slowly tightens the noose around his neck. Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, retired art thief Tom Kirk is asked by an old friend to investigate a case involving the theft of a long lost Caravaggio painting. When tragedy strikes Tom is left holding a blood-soaked body.
Back in Rome police photographer Flavia Salvatore has been called to the Parthenon where a second body has been found, but this time the body is surrounded by mannequins. When a third body is found crucified upside down in the middle of the ancient forum Flavia realises there is a sinister link between the murders. Someone is staging famous Caravaggio paintings. Suspecting the detective leading the case is corrupt Flavia begins her own investigation.
Spurred on by grief and the desire to avenge the murder of his friend, Tom follows a trail to Rome where he finds Flavia piecing together a similar mystery. Before long they both finds themselves submerged in a vast criminal conspiracy involving the police, politicians, the church and a secret society born of a pact between two Mafia families decades before.
Tom Kirk is the new James Bond - no doubt about it - the book simply roars along like a Formula 1 grand prix, with thrills and spills at every corner, every bend, every curve. James' ability to mix fact with fiction makes for superb reading - and Kirk's ability to get himself out of a tight spot reminds me of 007 himself. What's more, there are now four Tom Kirk novels and James doesn't seem short of ideas to keep the idea going for loads more capers. Far better storie and much better written than The Da Vinci Code, this series is crying out for either small or big screen treatment - not that that would enhance the reading experience, but it just seems to me that there's an opportunity here for something rather special. Brilliant stuff!
Also thought the following might interest you - an interview with the influential Art Theft Central blog. Laters
It's my party ...
 Interesting event the other night at the Guildford Book Festival, where I was on a panel with Christopher Fowler and Patrick Gale. Where were you?
The topic was "From small beginings" and no, before you ask, this wasn't about erectile dysfunction disorder, but rather the influence of importance of our childhood reading on our writing today. I have to be honest and admit that this wasn't something I'd thought about until about two minutes before I stepped onto the stage. My fellow panellists were rather better prepared and certainly better read - I hadn't heard of half the stuff they mentioned and Patrick Gale gave me a look caught somewhere between contempt and envy when I mentioned that I had mainlined Enid Blyton for years as a kid.
I have post-facto created a list of my top eleven (ten was so 2008) childhood books. I'm going to define childhood as the years prior to me buying the Sam Fox edition of Mayfair. It's my blog so I can do what I want:
- The Treasure Seekers, by Enid Blyton - if you haven't read it, you wouldn't understand
- How things work - genius book with cross-sections of ships and pyramids and skyscrapers which showed you, quite literally, how things work
- That book about dinosaurs with the blue and yellow cover and a T-Rex on the front - memory getting a little hazy here, but it was good
- 1956 Lion annual (see picture) - I particularly remember the story about a couple of plucky Tommy's giving Jerry the slip by discovering a secret tunnel behind a fireplace
- The illustrated Bible - Great stories, gory pictures. Fiction writing at its best. (ooohhh - contraversial!)
- Anything by Roger Lancelyn Green - King Arthur, Robin Hood etc.
- French graphic novels - Oh yes, I was quite the cosmopolitan so and so, aged 8. Well that and the fact that I was brought up in France might have had something to do with it - Tintin, Asterix, Gaston Lagaffe, Largo Winch, Blake and Mortimer to name but a few
- Danny the Champion of the World, by Roald Dahl - always much preferred this to C&CF, BFG, J&GP etc.
- Some book by Richard Scarry where on each page you had to try and find the little yellow duck or something - used to keep me amused for hours when my father would turn the page saying, "well there isn't one on this page" and I'd say "Yes there is, yes there is!" and frantically turn the page back ... you get the picture
- Another book, whose name I can't remember - God this list really is self-indulgent twaddle isn't it - but that showed you basic spycraft like how to write invisible ink, do a dead letter drop etc. Vital skills for any eleven year olds
- The Valley of Adventure, by Enid Blyton - a second entry by Ma Blyton, but it is what it is. Loved that book and the cheeky parrot.
Anyway, onto more serious things. The Geneva Deception is out there, although I was reminded the other day that it's official launch date isn't until next week. Does that make me like the Queen with two birthdays, or Elton John (one's THE queen, the other's a queen), who came out ages before he actually "came out".
Either way things going well so far. First 3 days of sales were very good, in fact, so here's hoping things continue on the same track. Launch party set for Thursday next week with special appearances by Essex poet Ryan Child (you'd be amazed how many words rhyme with Matalan) and singer / songerwriter Georgia Strand.
Can you make it? A few invites available for selected faithful / attractive fans - just drop me a line. And yes, Mum, I guess you can come along too.
Births, Deaths and Marriages
 The Geneva Deception, a novel, weighing 12 ounces. Born October 15 2009 to proud father James Twining of Islington, London. A brother to The Double Eagle, The Black Sun and The Gilded Seal.
Blink and you'll miss it
 As Harper Collins's PR wheels grind into motion in the weeks running up to the publication of The Geneva Deception - sorry I mean accelerate up to 88 miles an hour just as the lightening strikes the clock tower - a word of thanks to Emma Walsh, the President (and as far as I know sole member) of my Irish fan club, who continues to work her subtle magic when it comes to unofficially promoting my books.
Take the photo to the right, extracted from a recent article for which she was interviewed. Blink and you'll miss it, but look again and you'll see my name top right, where she has strategically positioned the spine of one of my books for maximum "bling, in ya' face, wattcha lookin' at mofo" impact.
Talk about subliminal. If I was a chocolate bar, this picture would probably have been banned by the ASA because tens of thousands of kids would have been inexplicably raiding their piggy banks and rushing out and buying KitKats. Actually if I was a chocolate bar, I'd like to be a Crunchie. Or maybe a Lion bar. It's tough to choose.
But I'm not a chocolate bar. I'm a writer with a new book coming out in a few weeks. Buy it.
I don't do subliminal.
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Thought you might like to see article published this week in the Sunday Telegraph travel section on Geneva - setting for my latest international bestseller (hey, modesty never sells...) The Geveva Deception. Actually what follows is the original unedited version as they took out all the gags - presumably because of a lack of space rather than because they weren't funny...
